there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Randomize
