you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
