wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
