i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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