The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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