Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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