she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Randomize
