never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
