gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
