I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
