And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
