I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
