hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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