I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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