A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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