i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
