I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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