Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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