Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
