I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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