Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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