things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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