I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
