I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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