did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Randomize
