I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
