ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
