Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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