mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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