She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I can't turn off my feet"
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Randomize
