Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
