Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
