There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
false alarm. still invincible.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
