dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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