Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
