Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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