When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
