I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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