I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
