If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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