Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
