i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
