I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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