Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
