i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
