just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
