and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
