put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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