He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
