just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
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